Welcome to alryt.world a platform that centres the experiences of neurodivergent people of colour. If you’ve not subscribed already… what are you waiting for?
This weeks article about Luna Reyne’s ongoing battle with burnout made me reflect on my own experience.
Burnout is humbling. It feels like not matter how much you sleep, or how much you don’t do - you’re exhausted. Disconnected from yourself and the world around you, it’s grim. But the sickest part of the joke is that, the most recent memory of a life that doesn’t feel like this, is the life that caused it.
Switching to a manual toothbrush, listening the same 3 songs on repeat, and the more than usual amount of fear of leaving the house aside… things were great. Hmm, well better than they are now at least, I was actually doing stuff. Travelling to London for work, training for a marathon and starting new just-for-fun projects. It was all going well, until it wasn’t.
‘If your work goes up in flames, don’t fetishise the ashes’
Ngl I dream of going back to that life, the thought of it is both exciting and overwhelming but there literally aren’t enough episodes of Eastenders and Summer House to keep me entertained, I watched Baby Reindeer all in one go, I even tried reading, and painting but I’m still bored. I miss the thrill of my brain processing millions of thoughts a day the euphoric feeling of finding the perfect reference for a deck, filming and editing content, reaching out to podcast guests, baking cookies and going to raves. I miss it all. It’s what I’m known for, its what I enjoy but that life has been burned to ashes.
I know I need to be a different person after this, but theres comfort in the predicability of how I was living life before.
I came across this tiktok where Miriam recounts the story of an artist who had a similar experience, except it was a literal fire.
They lost a load of the archive in a studio fire and it freed them from the expectation to create the same type of work over and again. They had the opportunity to become a new person, start something else. Summed up perfectly as “If your work goes up in flames, don’t fetishise the ashes”
Somewhere along the way brain fog has made me forget about all the bad parts of the life that caused me to burnout and even though I’m living the consequences I sit and I stew and I fetishise the ashes.
Tyla x
The Slow Burn by Luna Reyne
Burnout sneaks up on me every time.
I commit to three outings in one week and I feel as if I might crumble. I run on fumes to make money, hold onto health insurance, and maintain my status as a productive citizen. And I know how it pales in comparison to the things that are accomplished and the outings that are attended by my neurotypical peers. So many parties, lunches, community gatherings filled with people capable of connecting with one another while also balancing their jobs.
Meanwhile, I carefully pick through my weeks, choosing events the same way I might decide on an investment opportunity. But this is my process. These are the efforts I make so that I never return to the extreme levels of Burnout I faced when I turned 18.
I went through a long journey of burnout after graduating highschool. I waded through nights on the computer followed by mornings that eased into countless afternoons where all I did was sleep. I could not hold down a job. I had no way to cope after leaving a system that demanded I show up, do work, and be in sensory hell. It sucked, but it was the guidepost of my life.
It took years for me to pull myself out of that fugue state. The only way I could think to recover and do something outside of spending every day on video games and TV shows was to take an internship before I was 21. I shipped off to Los Angeles and joined the Dream Center. An organization that demanded routine, stability, structure, and rigid religious rules. But in that environment, I found stability and happiness again.
The internship ended and once more - I fell to the earth and in my mind, burned through a couple more years. I skipped from one job to another, desperately trying to engage, make money, and seem “normal”. Until I finally found a job that paid me decently without requiring me to overextend my capabilities. I spent seven years within that company and found a way to develop skills that furthered my career and gave me a sense of agency. It also showed me something I already knew, but hated.
Without structure, I turn to ash.
With structure, I burn and burn - but there are periods where the flame goes dim, and I fear the ash has become my home once again.
When I examine how Burnout looks in my life at 31, it is a quiet, creeping condition that operates under the guise of fatigue, confusion, separation, and shifting priorities. It looks like unanswered messages, a dirty floor, or even nothing at all - because I cancel every outing on my plate and hide. It is the depiction of me, Reyne, in my car, driving with the music on, wondering why I cannot seem to shake this feeling that I am missing something important. It is forgotten dates, mixed up times, and frustration because I spent all my energy that week on work tasks.
Eventually, the sneaking suspicion that I am running on fumes reveals itself to be true.
Once I find food to be frivolous, video games to be boring, and the same show on rotation over and over again I realize -
Oh.
I’m burned out.
There’s always a period of shame when I realize it. I don’t consider the demands on my plate to be enough to take so much from me. But then I remember that while it may not be a heavy burden for so many people, it is for me, an autistic woman who also juggles ADHD. I enter every room, task, and event immediately overwhelmed by sight, smell, and sound. I interact with others and feel the shifting emotions, the energy that is expected from some who seem to perform so well within their role. I set my mind to finishing a project and it consumes me, which often means I do not eat or only operate on coffee and water for most of the day.
Knowing these patterns, it should be easy for me to recognize them when they crop up. I should have a failsafe, ready to kick in the second I know I am heading into that Burnout space. But when my system is dysregulated, no amount of preparation can truly set me back on my path of cleaning my home, eating well, and checking in with friends again. And in this society, where I am expected to work and make money before anything else, I have to ensure my system is ready to tackle those responsibilities first.
Currently, I am Burned Out. A very harsh winter of family emergencies, pet death, and a career shift burned through my energy reserves. Everytime I end up here, I am embarrassed that I let it get to this point.
However, five years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to name this state of being. I am grateful for the expansion of language now in my arsenal. As well as the knowledge that I am neurodivergent, and Burnout is a sign it is time for me to rest, reflect, and rearrange my priorities.
Fellow AuDHDer in burnout. This is so validating 🫶🏾