Echoes of Expectation
An intimate exploration of walking away from one path and bravely stepping onto another, upholding authenticity over the comfort of familiar shadows.
Welcome to alryt.world a platform that centres the experiences of neurodivergent people of colour. If you’ve not subscribed already… what are you waiting for?
We’ve all been there, in fact I’m there atm, fighting to live life beyond your means - I don’t mean monetarily. Yes, Lifestyle creeps a bitch but so is living up to neurotypical and cultural expectations. Constantly pushing ourselves to be in environments that aren’t right for us, to buy the house, to have the career, to network, to start a family, to travel the world, to make friends, to have hobbies, to volunteer, to workout and to go to therapy all with enough time to spare to do something worthy of making it onto the Forbes 30 under 30 list.
One of the things about late realisation / diagnosis is that every vision you’ve had and expectation placed on you by your parents was made without a vital piece of information - your brain is different. And that’s not to say neurodivergent people can’t achieve big things, lord knows the internet loves a list of neurodivergent famous people, but we do need to be open to rid ourselves of neurotypical expectations and be open to alternative life journeys.
Luckily, the tides are turning, when the world only needed factory workers some of use were fucked whilst others led with their hyperfocus, but now that the world needs ‘creative thinkers’, people who can dream of a new world, challenge expectations and redesign broken systems, we have the chance to shape the future because that’s something neurodivergent people are naturally able to do.
Reality Check: If you’ve gone straight to thinking about Greta skipping school, sailing on boats, and taking on the government… Im gonna need you to scale it back. The most realistic way most of us can shape the future is through lifestyle design. Creating a life that aligns with our values, needs and abilities. One with less extreme highs and lows, where burnout is an episode not a season and with living up to expectations that we choose.
In todays newsletter Otega shares how he’s done that. Otega resisted his African families expectations of being a Doctor, Lawyer or Engineer and started successful career which he later had to abandon it because he’d burnout due to the weight of new expectations. BUT, its not all doom and gloom, it actually sounds like he’s on a path thats much better for his brain and he’s shared some of things he’s realised along the way that could help us all.
Echoes of Expectation: Otega's Tale of Rediscovery
What were you like at school?
Did you wear kickers? Or wallabies? Own a Just Do It bag? Did you stick your baby hairs down? And did you have an Apple Store picture as your Facebook profile pic?
Before we get into the realms of nostalgia allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Otega aka UnfilteredOtega. Let me tell you a bit about my time in school…
I was a good kid 95% of the time – I got good grades and had positive relationships with most of my teachers. Although I existed within the upper echelons of the school intelligence league, I didn’t always feel intelligent - we’ll come back to this.
Parents evening was always a day I dreaded.
It was the day my African parents would absorb the ammunition they would use to remind me why I needed to study or why I couldn’t play Saints Row on my Xbox.
I’m privileged to come from a large family. On my mums’ side education was highly regarded. A masters was the minimum expectation and from my dad a PhD by the age of 30 of course. Their generation was very different to ours. Your status in society didn’t come from your Instagram Followers but from your educational rigour and achievements. I’m sure you can guess what behaviour was reinforced.
I was excited to go to university and although I regularly visited my school because I maintained great relationships with my teachers the thought of being a teacher repulsed me. It wasn’t part of the ‘Doctor, Lawyer, or Engineer’ plan. I studied Biological Science which was the closest thing for a medical school reject but after just one year into my course I knew I wouldn’t go to medical school. All those hours spent watching House – wasted.
03.09.18 - My first day as a teacher. I was bricking it.
It’s all well and good faking it till you make it but that’s easier said than done when you’re stood in front of 30 teenagers waiting to pounce at any sign of weakness. It’s a humbling experience - nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. You, Sir, are on your own. Yes, I made them call me Sir.
"Naija no go carry last"
Public sector jobs are challenging especially in the current economic climate, and it was in this career that I experienced my first bout of burnout. As summer faded and darkness descended with the winter months, the challenges intensified. Social work, behaviour management, the never-ending marking – it all became overwhelming. Quitting crossed my mind, but "Naija no go carry last" (meaning I wasn’t allowed to be defeated). With the support from friends and mentors, I started seeing a way forward. Interestingly, this cycle of winter blues followed by a spring revival is a recurring theme in my life – any other SAD folks out there?
Maths was never my strongest subject; I was a science teacher after all but if I were to create an equation for burnout it would be:
Burnout = Expectation > Reality
I had high expectations of myself + the role was very demanding. I felt responsible for these students’ futures. This led to expectations far outweighing the reality of being a new teacher.
Being a teacher taught me so much about myself, and human interaction. One of my adages in life is that ‘change allows you to reinvent yourself’ and when I moved schools I decided to lean into my human side. This led to greater relationships with the students where I would talk to them in an unfiltered way and offer guidance/ motivation where possible. I ultimately made the decision to leave teaching because if I carried on, I would become a ‘fraud’ - preaching to these students to live their dreams yet I was hiding in the shadows of mine.
My dream was to work in technology, but I’ll be honest it was also an industry that scared me. I couldn’t get into med school, what was I thinking trying to work in tech.
My new day to day is very different to teaching. I don’t get Sunday blues and I get to go to the toilet whenever I want.
I have learnt and built on the transferable skills I brought over from teaching. I see the potential for technology to impact the world. Although, it can be a force for good I would be naive if I didn’t recognise the impact it has on mental health especially for young minds.
I’d be called ‘The Juggler’ if I worked in a circus.
So Otega, your quality of life has drastically improved, do you still experience burnout?
The simple answer is yes. And it’s probably worse than my time as a teacher.
Now it’s less of a consequence of the system and largely self-inflicted. I got diagnosed with ADHD in Dec 2022 and it’s explains why I’d be called ‘The Juggler’ if I worked in a circus.
My recent episodes of burnout have come from the expectation I have placed on myself to be great at all the balls I’m juggling. It’s hard to find a balance between mastery and the polymath spirit that we see in today’s successful entrepreneurs (think Steven Bartlett). But he’s got ADHD so why can’t I be like him?
The answer is my reality is very different to his, I don’t have a team around me, nor do I have the funds to hire them (yet). I don’t have all the answers but I’m proud to have defied the comfort of a career and taken on a challenge in an area I care about. I’m very much on my journey as you will be on yours and the first stage to tackling burnout is to understand the root cause of it.
Ask yourself where the expectation comes from?
Is it a healthy amount?
Have you taken into consideration your current reality?
Do you have self-management strategies in place?
When you start to have answers to these questions, I believe you will be in a much better position to tackle burnout.
Thank you for reading, you can find me rambling
Editor: Tyla Grant
Words: Otega